Almost Grown

SCENE:  Medium size Midwestern town, fall day, 1995. The kitchen/den in the home of Sally and Bob and their children Jessica and Billy.

(Morning: Sally and Bob)

Sally:  So, how was your dinner with Andy last night?

Bob:   Good.

Sally:  What is Martha doing these days?

Bob:   Uh, doing fine.

Sally:  I see. How about the three children?

Bob:   Is that a trick question?

Sally:  No.

Bob:   They’re getting along really well.

Sally:  You didn’t ask about Martha and the kids, did you?

Bob:   Well, he acted like everything was okay.

Sally:  What did you talk about all  night?

Bob:   Lots of stuff. Oh, for one thing, you know those contests some pro basketball teams have where you attempt to make a basket from the opposite end of the court? Well, last month Andy got selected to try it, and, get this, he hit the rim. We’re talking inches away from a cool ten thousand bucks.

Sally:  Wow.

Bob:   Yeah, and the great thing is that someone got it on tape for him so he’s going to send it to us.

Sally:  Boy, I guess we just can’t hope to get any luckier than that.

Sally: (cont’d): Did you tell him about me and the children?

Bob:   Uh, uh, sure.

Sally:  What?

Bob:   Let’s see, that the kids are really growing and you’re about 5’7”, 120.

Sally:  Tom, how can you be with an old friend you haven’t seen in years and not talk about your families?

Bob:   Guys are not comfortable prying into each other’s lives.

Sally:  Inquiring about the wife and kids is not exactly probing the depth of his soul.

Bob:   But suppose something is wrong, like his wife is very ill or a child is on drugs? Then you’ve just upset him unnecessarily.

Sally:  If you recall, that keep-it-to-yourself attitude kept you from finding out about Sam’s trouble with Doris.

Bob:   Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Sally:  And not that it’s anyone’s business, but it’s 115, not 120.

(Daughter JESSICA enters.)

Bob:   Jessica, what time is the open house at your school tonight?

Jessica: It’s not really necessary that you go, Dad.

Bob:   Are you kidding, and miss having all those teachers tell me what a genius my daughter is?

Jessica: But I’m afraid you’ll just get bored and start humming “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” and doing your Mick Jagger dance.

Bob:   Oh, come on. I barely move my head when I do that.

Jessica: Mom! Make him promise.

Sally:  He’ll behave.

Bob:   I suppose whistling the Woody Woodpecker song is out too, huh?

Jessica:  Couldn’t we just leave him at home?

Sally:  He’s just teasing you.

Jessica:  Oh, yeah, what about the time my dance teacher bragged on me, and Dad started spinning around like James Brown and singing “I Feel Good”?   

Bob:   You think a little mumbling and swaying is bad, let me tell you what real embarrassment is.

Jessica:  I’ve got to go to school.

Bob:   I’ll never forget, it was the first home game of the season.

Jessica:  Dad! Basketball story?

Bob:   I’ll be brief.

Jessica:  Oh, brother.

 Bob:  In those days the officials were local men so everyone knew them. Early in the game one of the guys made several calls that my mother disagreed with and she began loudly criticizing him.

Jessica:  She was yelling?

Bob:   Yeah. Well, finally he had all he could take, so he just stopped the game, took off his whistle, handed it to Mother and said, “Gracie, since you seem to have a better view than I do, why don’t you just call the game?

Jessica:  Not really?

Bob:   Really. By then the guys on the other team were asking, “who’s the crazy lady?” and my guys are laughing and pointing at me.

Jessica:  Man!

Bob:   And just as things were settling down, what do you think is the worst thing that could have happened next?

Jessica:  Oh, no, she didn’t wave to you?

Bob:   And called my name.

Jessica:  Daddy, you poor thing.

Bob:   So, you see?

Jessica:  Wow. I guess you’ve never done anything that bad---well, except maybe the Tarzan yell when I won my swim race. 

(Son BILLY enters)

Billy:   Dad, you think a guy has to play basketball to prove himself?

Bob:   I’ve never said that. Basketball just happened to be helpful to me in finding out more about myself. There are certainly other activities that serve the same purpose – maybe football or baseball.

Billy:   I was really hoping to learn more about myself without having to wear an athletic supporter.

Bob:   I don’t know, son. I think playing a sport without a jock would just be too dangerous.

Billy:   Oh, forget it.

Bob:   Now what? We’re having this great talk and he just walks out.

Sally:  I think what he means is that he’s interested in things other than sports.

Bob:   You’ve put those crazy ideas in his head, haven’t you?

(Afternoon: Bob and Billy enter and join Sally along with Bob’s old teammates Herman, Marty and Dave and their old coach.)

Bob:   Whew! Good game, Billy.

Billy:   Yeah, sure. Where’s the twenty you owe me?

Herman:    You mean he can beat you now?

Bob:      Of course not. That’s just what he charges to play with me.

Coach:   You want to know what’s wrong with the game today? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. It’s the coaches, they have no fire in their bellies, they don’t discipline, they don’t motivate. In the old days we knew.

Dave:    But, Coach, didn’t you ever feel badly about telling a bunch of 18- year-olds that winning a basketball championship would be the most important thing that ever happened in their lives?

Coach:    You say what it takes, and besides, for Herman it’s turned out to be true.

Herman:    You mean because my wife left me and I don’t have a job?

Coach:     I guess those would be good examples, yeah, but you can’t let a little rough luck get you down. Remember what I used to say about quitters.

Dave:    Let’s see, was it that if you are on a bad team and you quit you get to stop losing?

Marty:    Actually, I think it was quitters get to shower first.

Bob:      What I could never understand, coach, is how you could use all of that obscene language in your pep talks and the close with a prayer.

Coach:    There’s a place for both in the locker room. And, if you recall, I never prayed that we would win.

Bob:        Asking for the other team to pick up food poisoning from their pregame meal seems about the same thing.

 Bob:   You know why I would never play organized ball today?

Herman:   Too short?

Marty:    Too slow?

Coach:    Too old?

Bob:   Cute, but wrong. I could never play in those baggy shorts.

Herman:   Actually, you’re right. They do look really bad.

Sally:    So you guys are saying you think you looked cool in those obscene shortie shorts with your thick socks pulled up to your knees?

Bob:   For your information, plenty of women found those tight shorts very sexy.

Sally:   Are you kidding? What’s sexy about looking like you’ve just been given a wedgie?

Dave:   It’s not just the uniforms, everything’s changed. There’s not as much finesse. With all the slam dunking, there is not going to be a place for the gutty short guy, even though he might have a deadly jump shot like mine.

Marty:   Dave, technically you no longer have a jump shot. By definition to call it a  jump shot you have to leave the ground.

Dave:    Is that so?

Herman:  Yeah, what you’re using now would more accurately be described as a tiptoe shot.

Dave:     Well, at least I’ve never been a ball hog, like some.

Coach:    Boys, boys, stop the bickering. It pleases me that we have always been great friends.

Boys:   Right.

Coach:   Even in high school, when I was your boss, we were very close.

Boys:     Right

Coach:    Remember, I even went with you on your senior trip to Las Vegas?

Boys:     Followed.

Coach:    What’s that?

Marty:    You didn’t go with us, you followed us.

Coach:     Yeah, well, whatever. But it’s a good thing I was there otherwise you couldn’t have gotten in that strip show.

Billy:       The what?

Bob:       You see, Billy, they have this street in La Vegas that they call the Strip and along it there are many shows, so therefore you have what are known as strip shows. You know, such as John Denver.

Billy:       Dad, I’m eleven years old, please don’t treat me like I was nine.

Bob:       Right, son. But the important thing to remember is we had an adult with us at all times.

Billy:      I understand, Dad.

Bob:       Good.

Billy:       So, how old were you guys when you started drinking beer?

Dave:      Pretty old.

Marty:     Very old.

Herman:     Real old.

Bob:      Yeah, we were up there.

Billy:      What? About 16-17?

Bob:      Why?

Billy:      I’m just trying to plan ahead. I’ll get my driver’s license when I’m 15 and begin dating, so I was thinking maybe that would also be a good time to start drinking some beer.

Bob:       And you’ll want to get a nose ring and some tattoos.

Coach:    I really think he should wait till he’s 18 on those, Bob.

Bob:       It seems to me, young man, about as far out as you need to get with your plans right now is who you’re  going to be for Halloween.

Sally:      Besides, Billy there’s no reason to begin drinking beer too soon because you’ll have the rest of your life to sit around and swill it while you talk about the big game with your old high school buddies.

Bob:       Only once a week.

Dave:      Certainly no more than twice.

Herman:       Unless it’s a long weekend.

Billy:         I think I see what you mean, Mom.

Sally:      Right. Sometimes growing up can take a real long time.